You Don't Look Like a Dick

Hanging out in Seoul with my new buddy Zach, we went inside this kitschy little Halloween/party store and I bought wings and cat ears ('cause you never know) and the guy who owned the place clearly wanted to use his English. And this is what he came up with, looking directly at me and saying, very serious, "I no think he looks like a dick." Now, this might have made since if I had just called Zach a dick. Or an asshole, or any name at all, but seeing as how I had just handed him my purchases and was digging in my pocketbook for the appropriate amount of won, it kind of threw me. What? I asked him. So he repeated himself, insisting that Zach didn't look like a dick. So I start laughing uncomfortably and Zach just says, thank you, sincerely. He figured he'd take it as a compliment, since it came out of nowhere. The owner asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend (every Korean man knows the word boyfriend because he wants to ask you--pretty, young American girl-- if you have one) and we say no, just friends. The man doesn't believe us, insists that Zach doesn't look like a dick one more time for good measure ((as if the only reason I wasn't dating him was because I thought he was a dick) and gave us heart shaped sparklers. At least, it looks like a sparkler in the shape of a heart, but I don't want to light it up in case it's not. And it's the Busan Fireworks Festival this weekend and if it IS a sparkler, I don't want to waste it. So, I guess what I'm saying is, whatever it is, this weekend I'm lighting it on fire.